Derealization Panic Attacks

For the last three days, I’ve had derealization panic attacks late afternoon/early evening. I finally got in touch with a fellow panic attack victim, and she was GOOD for my soul! I have so much on my plate, and then Cat got weird and moody, and THAT on top of the rest sent me into “AAACK!” mode. I turned into Bill the cat (for those of you who every followed that comic strip!)

And… I finally talked to Cat after she pretty much shut me out for 6 days in a row, and she’s a little freaked-out too, but she and I managed to have a civilized conversation and my panic attack alert system finally let go.

THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW of feeling like I was in the wrong life, wrong world, and starting to spiral like crazy! Not good at all. It’s been a LONG time (think divorce) since I’ve found myself just reeling like that. A lot of things have shifted slightly in the last month, some for the better, and some not– but apparently my system just can’t handle having my security point threatened. So when Cat, who is still my best friend and the reason I can live a decent life, starts acting like she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me for several days in a row– I started freaking right the fuck out.

Cat’s autism thing means she can’t quite appreciate some of the damage she does when she throws her moodiness at me! I tried to explain it as kindly as I could and then asked her to please, please just give me a “courtesy check-in” once a day. She can have a bad mood or a bad day, or even a few of them! But if she could just talk to me for, like, 5 minutes so I “know” that I’m still okay, I could stop the panic attack chain.

Now the goal is to calm my shit down. I’ll be shaky for several days after this. Things are going to feel “off” for a while now. I hate how my brain does this shit to me! But all I can do is TRY to solve the issues causing it, and then hunker down and smoke some weed or something to get myself to stop shaking and quaking like a leaf on a dildo!

This is why I ”tend” to Cat so much! I take care of her emotionally so she doesn’t do this shit to me, but I can only do so much and then I start to break. I know she’s pissed I told her I can’t hear her threatening to blow up my life casually because of a bad day– she’s pulled away because I made a boundary that she doesn’t like. And, in the past, I would have given in rather than have these panic attacks. But right now, listening to her complain with hyperbole is ALSO causing panic attacks, so I have to try a different tactic. I knew this was going to blow up in my face, but I can’t keep allowing her to fuck my head like this! She’s not trying to hurt me, but she’s very self-centered in these types of things, and I have to put my foot down or prolong my suffering, and right now, I have no more left to give.