Want to Own a Flamethrower?

Seriously, imagine how cool it would be to own something that Webster’s Dictionary defines as “a weapon that throws ignited fuel for several yards.” And what raises the already high badass factor associated with these things is that they are now available in a more convenient hand held model called the XM42.

This new version of the old-school flamethrower was released for sale to the general public on March 24. This miniature fire-shooter does not require the user to strap a gas tank to their back, as is the case with the older models. Since a flamethrower does exactly what it’s name implies – the XM42 produces a flame measuring up to 25 feet in length – I feel like that improvement not only makes for easier use, but also decreases the odds that you’ll need skin grafts when all is said and done.

There are plenty more reasons why a flamethrower of some kind should be included on everyone’s list of must-have survival tools. Read on:

It keeps crowds away

When you’re out on a camping trip enjoying the natural beauty of the Great Outdoors, the last thing you need is a flock of loud and obnoxious humans cramming their giant Winnebago in the neighboring campsite and cramping your style. When you’ve got a flamethrower nearby, it’s an easy problem to solve – firing off a warning shot from a safe distance ought to demonstrate your dissatisfaction with having your solitude so rudely interrupted. On a more serious note, it’s a powerful deterrent to crowds of angry rioters or looters.

It’s intimidating

That scenario leads me into the next perfectly good reason to own a flamethrower, which is the fact that no one will ever mess with you. For real. The next time that friend-of-a-friend who no one remembers inviting along for the fishing trip decides to get hammered, pick fights and act like a d-bag in general, breaking out the flamethrower should adjust his attitude. An added bonus is that it should also serve as a deterrent to all others who might consider engaging in similar uncouth behaviors.

It’s convenient

All you need to operate a flamethrower is good old gasoline, and that’s not hard to come by. Once you fill up, let the flames begin! Just wait until you leave the gas station first (you know, because that whole place is flammable).

It’s legal

Flamethrowers, as it turns out, are legal in most states, although it’s best to check the laws in the state where you plan on using it most. Documents produced by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, for example, show that citizens in the State of Maryland are not permitted to use or possess flamethrowers.

It’s fun

Think about how much it sucks using a shovel to clear the snow from your driveway. Now think about how much more fun that would be if you had a flamethrower. It’ll get the job done fast, and you’ll look awesome while you’re doing it. If you love bacon but hate waiting for it to finish cooking, look no further than your trusty flamethrower, and you’ve got this culinary dilemma kicked with flying flames and a smile on your face.

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