The WIRE: Your week in review

From a Cohen nothingburger to Californistan’s straw laws — and most points in between — it’s time for a look back at the week that was. Personal Liberty Digest^® presents: The WIRE!

CNN’s big scoop – recordings made by Michael Cohen of discussions with then-candidate Trump — fizzled, when all they revealed about dealings involving a former Playboy Playmate was — well — not much.

At least now we know the president would like his nothingburger with a Coke. We know he really wants a Coke.

The Cohen saga slithered on later in the week, with Cohen claiming he can attest to — but has no actual evidence of — Trump’s advance knowledge of a meeting between Trump confidants and Russians which took place in Trump Tower in June 2016. Putting aside the fact that opposition research isn’t illegal, we’re supposed to believe that this one Cohen didn’t record?

Broke: Cohen can’t be trusted.
Woke: Cohen is unimpeachable
Joke: Cohen has been a slug with a briefcase the whole time.

Reports this week that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office is scrutinizing President Trump’s tweets as a part of his ongoing investigation into — er — whatever the hell it is he’s investigating. And if he’s going through Trump’s tweets, the investigation is gonna last longer than Trump’s presidency.

All eight years of it.

Republican lawmakers introduced articles of impeachment against Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein for improper FISA procedures and concealing information from Congress.
Dems: IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
GOP: Fine by us. Don’t mind if we do!

Sorry, did you have someone else in mind?

Democrats were quick to air their grievances after Secretary of State Mike Pompeo declined detailing private discussions between Trump and foreign leaders, including Russian tyrant Vladimir Putin and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. However, we’re pretty sure they didn’t involve airlifting secret pallets of cash.

“Allahu akbar! The nerve of some people, amirite?”

Socialist sweetheart Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went red with rage when Allie Stuckey of Conservative Review’s CRTV aired a fake interview between her and the Democrats’ nominee for New York’s 14th. According to Miss Mao 2018, CRTV didn’t adequately label the obvious parody as such. Guess socialism doesn’t include a sense of humor.

Socialists get satire as well as they get economics.

Meanwhile, the miracle of socialism hit another milestone, as the currency in utopian Venezuela reached 1,000,000 percent inflation. The country’s president, Nicholas Maduro, responded by announcing a whole new currency with five fewer zeros.

The upside of socialism: they’ll never run out of toilet paper.

Democrat Senator Cory Booker (D-2020) ratcheted up the crazy this week, calling supporters of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh “evil,” encouraging liberals to get physical with legislators and “get up in the face of some congresspeople.” Oh good, another Democrat inciting violence. Because there’s no chance that goes wrong.

Has Cory thought this through? Not like “T-Bone” will be there to protect him.

The tabloid mag Town and Country scored some new yuks with their latest attempt to wade into politics. The upscale glossy, noted for insulting Monica Lewinsky to protect Bill Clinton’s feelings, ran a fawning profile to Texas long shot liberal Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke, including calling the stiff and off-putting O’Rourke as “Kennedyesque.”

The face of a man who’s just one dead intern from a Senate seat.

Vandals took a pickaxe to President Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. However, the serial rapists, pedophiles and communists’ stars near his remained untouched.

Wrecking your own city landmarks to own the conservatives. Good plan.

The media shrieked bloody murder after Trump staffers barred a CNN talking head from a Rose Garden event. Putting aside the fact that the media made barely a peep when Obama illegally surveilled reporters — and even imprisoned them — it’s CNN.

Seriously; Who’s the “reporter” in this context?

Oh Lord, Nana wandered away from the home again. Good thing she had her LifeAlert on!

She’s fallen, and she can’t get up.

Mark Zuckerberg personally lost billions of dollars Thursday when Facebook’s stock dropped nearly 20 percent in trading, the largest single-day hit in market history.

Bet they install a “dislike” button now.

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo lamented deep cuts to the staff at the New York tabloid Daily News. He offered to put state resources behind the newspaper if it would help curb mass layoffs.

“All he asks in return is a *slight* change to the masthead.

Seattle may be fining drinking straw scofflaws, but Santa Barbara is bringing down the hammer. Knowingly give someone AIDS? Meh, misdemeanor. Illegal alien? Here’s your ballot and your tuition check. Use a straw? It’s the pokey for you, scum!

We don’t care if you “need” it! Roll your butt behind bars, polluter!

And that’s your week in review! For the Personal Liberty Digest^®, I’m Ben Crystal saying, “See you next week, on The WIRE!”

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