Before You Throw My License Up In a Cluster

Understanding Trump is remarkably easy if you look at it from his perspective. Now, forget about the hate, stop the “orange fool” rhetoric, and listen. You might learn something.

Donald Trump is a real estate broker. He’s a NEW YORK real estate broker, and that’s never good. That’s all he knows. The Art of the Deal? That’s a map to a closing. Everything he does has a real estate connotation. When he walked out on the meeting with Nancy Pelosi for instance. That’s called a “take away.” Both sides want to go to closing and one broker gathers his stuff, gets up, and just walks out of the room. With the commission check in the air it unnerves the other broker and when broker “A” returns broker “B’s” position is a tad softer. But, Trump didn’t come back, but Pelosi is clueless anyway. Cortez is better. At least she can make a martini.

Mexican tariffs and the wall. He’s just trying to make Mexico pay the closing costs. After a take away the easiest thing for the buyer’s broker to throw on the table is the closing costs.

Traditionally the seller pays this. Ok, Trump wants to build a wall. Before I go on understand that he IS a builder. Just build an Interstate Highway and flip it up on the side. Now, where was I? Oh yes. You gotta have brick and mortar. The buyer is actually Mexico. The American people are the seller. The American people are gonna foot the bill. Don’t fool yourself. But, Trump, representing the seller ie US, smooths the transaction by trying to get Mexico to pay tariffs, CLOSING COSTS! This is known as “boot.” And, at the end of the deal the savvy broker gets something “to boot!” It doesn’t matter if it’s one dollar so long as he can show his client ie US something that wasn’t in the contract and ended up on our side of the table. Then we’ll be admiring that wall with that “I just bumped the neighbor’s daughter” look on our faces. Sí Senóre! “You wan’ meet my seester? She virgin!

Misdirected lies. Ok, I’m going to say something here that’s going to piss some people off. I was in real estate for years. I have represented brokers before the Texas Real Estate Commission, and I haven’t caught one of them telling the truth yet, myself included! Oh, sure, you have the so-called Board of Realtors, but that’s just a smoke screen to cover various tracks and asses. How do they lie? Like this!

Ted, a real estate agent with XYZ Real Estate sets up a deal to get his buyer to purchase a house in Killeen, Texas. Now Killeen, attached firmly to the tit of Fort Hood, has a HUGE VA (Veterans) market. Matter of fact, it’s the ONLY market. So Ted finds a seller with a VA loan, desperate to sell, because he’s on his way to Korea, and Ted writes a contract between his buyer and said seller. Only problem is that Ted’s buyer has a credit score slightly higher than his IQ. What to do?

ASSUMPTION! He finds that the buyer isn’t retiring, he is transferring. To KOREA! That means it’s gonna be a full minute before he comes home and finds a house. Thank you for your service. So to smooth the transaction Ted advises the seller (now remember, Ted represents the BUYER. He can’t legally “advise” the seller about anything!) that it will cement the deal if the buyer can assume the note temporarily. The listing agent, you know, the one who’s supposed to advise the seller, yeah right! She’s foaming at the mouth for that Commission check too. Just throw red meat over the fence at the dog pound and you’ll see what I mean.

The seller intends to buy another house in the distant future so Ted tells him no problem. As soon as the buyer gets his ducks in a row, he’ll put his own loan in place and he (Ted) will apply to the VA to reinstate the seller’s line of credit. The loan will transfer, the angels will sing, and the skies again will be blue. A year or so goes by and one day the seller calls Ted. He asks if the application had been made to reinstate his VA benefit. Ted told him it had, but the VA said, “No.” Oh, I’m sorry. You’re still fumbling around looking for that Board of Realtors code of ethics, aren’t you? Silly boy!

Money manipulation. Rule number one in real estate. Anything but the money in your hand is a con. Once upon a time there was a real estate agent running a sizable rental department and he wakes up one morning and takes note that he has around two hundred grand in damage deposits just sitting there gathering dust. So, he gets the money, trips over to Edward Jones and buys a boat load of blue chip stocks. Well, as luck will have it, some mealy mouth Realtor, you know, the one who supervised the methodical Sodomization of her own client’s VA loan, well, she finds out about this and in short order our agent gets a love letter from the Texas Real Estate Commission. And it always comes in this big Manila envelope, even if it’s only one page. So in the meeting the agent is accused of co-mingling, fraud, and general ass holary.

Au Contrairé he explains. He did not co-mingle. The funds are still right there, all together like piggies in a blanket, in their new home, Edward Jones.

“Well,” the Commission Commission asks, “what about refunds?”

No problem, he tells them. With the current flow of incoming tenants moving in and moving out, the timely return of damage deposits can be assured. Now the way this works is tenant “A” moves out. An inspection is done. What little part of the damage deposit that survives that inspection will be mailed to tenant “A” within thirty days required by law courtesy of the newly arrived tenant “B.” Co-mingling funds from Tenant “A” and Tenant “B?” Nope! You forgot the two hundred grand slush fund over at Edward Jones. Technically THAT’s where Tenant “A’s” money is residing anyway, not that he’s ever really gonna see a cent of it. It’s called money laundering. Write that down, there’ll be a quiz later.

“Ok smarty pants,” says the Commission, “do you make a profit on this account?”

Well absolutely, he informs them. Between Puts and Calls he’s fleshing out that account quite nicely. Matter of fact, he’s about to move the whole thing over to Ameritrade so he can do it faster and cheaper.

“And what becomes of THAT money?” they ask.

He tells them he keeps it according to their own rules, a statement that sends them scurrying for the manual. Finally they ask what would happen if all the tenants were to suddenly move out? What if there were a war? All the soldiers deployed. How would they be compensated? Negro please! World War II wasn’t that big! Well, for one thing, all the tenants moving out would be a million to one shot. For another, all of the tenants moving out, and leaving a perfect dwelling requiring a complete refund of the deposit would be a billion to one, but if that did happen the property manager has thirty days to refund said deposits which is more than enough time to sell off stocks and make said funding. And, oh yes, let’s not forget that there is far more in that account than the initial two hundred grand. That account is quite liquid. Now before you eager beavers go to telling me that the above story is a flight of fantasy let me inform you that I was that agent! And as far as troop movements. I can count C-130s!

There are many more real estate maneuvers I could tell you about, but I think you get the drift. Suffice to say when a real estate agent dies you don’t have to dig a grave. They are so crooked all you have to do is drive a stick through their ears and screw them into the ground.

Almost every action Donald Trump takes can be traced right back to the closing table. Are his techniques a bit shady? Well . . . yeah. Will they make America great again? Maybe. We’ll see. Will liberals ever understand this? Advice! If you live in a world of poka-dots and pink shoe laces stay away from real estate. If you are trying to understand a President who is a high end New York Real Estate broker drink heavily because if you go looking for justice, you’ll go crazy!

The Butcher Shop

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