Dead Men Pay No Bills

• In the Land of No Meat, the Meat Substitute is King
• Dead Men Pay No Bills
• Elon Crashes Tesla’s Stock, Sells House, Names Baby a Nonsense Word
• Guns, Booze, & Nachos

 MARKETS 

In the Land of No Meat, the Meat Substitute is King

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that plant–based meat substitutes will thrive during a global pandemic when the meat supply has been disrupted.” — Jane Austen, Pride & Plant–Based Pride Substitutes 

Frankenburger slinger Beyond Meat posted better than expected results last quarter, despite there being a giant hole in reality that sucks all the good things out.

In a particularly smug financial report, the company said it banked a net income of $1.8 million (3 cents per share), compared to a net loss of $6.6 million (95 cents per share) for the same period last year.

Revenue exploded 141% to $97.1 million, as grocery stores and fast–food restaurants across the nation slid an oddly meaty looking veggie burger to the consumer and said “go on, try it.”

“I am proud of our first–quarter financial results, which exceeded our expectations despite an increasingly challenging operating environment due to the Covid–19 health crisis,” said Beyond CEO and man who only owns two t–shirts Ethan Brown.

Folks only become ultra–successful CEOs so they can wear the same stupid clothes every day and call it a “productivity–enhancing capsule wardrobe.”

Revenue outpaced analysts’ expectations by almost $10 million. But the company warned that it saw a drop in sales at the end of March as restaurants closed and the entire country just ate snacks for a whole month.

Ahead of its earnings reveal last night, Beyond Meat laid out plans to take full advantage of the fresh meat shortage caused by processing plant closures due to outbreaks of your favorite virus, the one and only, COVID–19. (Bwaaam, bwam, bwam, bwaaaaaaam.)

Ethan of the clan Two Shirts told Reuters the company will fill the gaps in supply with value packs and deep discounts, which will make Beyond’s plant–based substitutes more attractive as the price of fresh meat surges.

“[The price surge] is putting us closer within range,” Brown told Reuters yesterday. “We’re going to try to further reduce that gap.

Brown added, however, that the discounts would be temporary, and long–term pricing would return to normal after the world stops imploding.

Beyond Meat said it expects to continue slaying like a queen in the home market but due to “the magnitude and duration of the impact to the foodservice channel” it will withdraw its 2020 forecast.

Shares of Beyond Meat Inc (BYND) surged when markets opened this morning, leaping more than 19% after the opening bell.

“Beyond Breakfast” is just lunch, you idiots. Haha, owned by an alcohol–dependent man trapped in his kitchen.

 POLITICS 

Dead Men Pay No Bills

The government has deposited $1,200 payments into the bank accounts of America’s laziest and most undeserving demographic: the dead.

As we all should be aware by now, the IRS doled out $207 billion in coronavirus relief payments to all Americans as part of the government’s $2 trillion economic recovery package. (If you’re not aware, check your bank account. There’s a little present from uncle Trump in there.)

Reports are emerging, however, that payments were made to Americans who are passed on, no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet their maker, stiff, bereft of life, resting in peace, metabolic processes are now history, kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible.

They’re dead. (Or maybe just pining for the fjords. I’m not a doctor.)

It’s impossible to tell just how prevalent the issue is right now. But there are confirmed cases of Americans who have been dead longer than two years who received a payment.

Which is nice for them and all. But could mean that potentially millions of payments may been made to folks who don’t having anything to spend their money on except bone polish.

“There’s mass confusion,” Janet Holtzblatt, a senior fellow at the Urban–Brookings Tax Policy Center, told NPR. “There’s been no official guidance as to how, in this instance, people should return the money that was received for their loved ones.”

Similar ding dongery occurred in 2010, when 72,000 dead folks received $18 million in stimulus payments from the government. But given the larger payouts and automatic system for depositing checks, this instance could be far more costly.

Mark Everson, who served as IRS commissioner from 2003 to 2007, says the error is likely a result of how quick the government needed to act to get the payments to the living Americans.

“There’s a real trade–off of speed versus accuracy in the processing,” Everson told NPR. “There’s a lot of pressure to move quickly, and in the past Treasury and the IRS have been criticized because they haven’t moved quickly enough.”

The IRS has said that everyone that received the payout will have to give it back but, for now, there is no way to do so.

 ELON 

Elon Crashes Tesla’s Stock, Sells House, Names Baby a Nonsense Word

Welcome to another segment of “Boy, Elon’s Really Having a Week Isn’t He?”

It’s been a while since we’ve had the cause or content to do an episode of BERHAWIH?, what with the world ending and all that.

But boy, Elon’s really having a week isn’t he?

After an f–bomb laden meltdown on Tesla’s earnings call last Thursday, in which Musk told Tesla investors that the coronavirus lockdown was “FACISM,” the billionaire CEO took to Twitter to exercise some demons.

In a two–hour tweetstorm, Musk railed against the lockdown, declared he would sell all his physical possessions for “freedom”, sang the Star Spangled Banner, and tanked Tesla’s stock.

In a particularly Muskian moment, the South African billionaire tweeted that the “Tesla stock price is too high,” triggering an almost instant correction. Shares of Tesla (TSLA) crashed 13% in seconds, wiping out an estimated $13 billion in market value. 

The following day, two of Musk’s lavish Los Angeles homes appeared on Zillow “for sale by owner.” A 5–bath, 5–bedroom property, previously owned by Gene Wilder is selling for $9.5 million. While Musk’s 16,251–square–foot French Chateau style home in lower Bel Air could be snapped up for a cool $30 million.

Musk capped off a whirlwind few days with the birth of his first child with girlfriend Grimes… who they named the totally normal name of “X Æ A–12 Musk.”

Grimes took to Twitter to “clear up” the regular human name shortly after the child’s birth, explaining that “X is the unknown variable. Æ, my elven spelling of Ai (love &/or Artificial intelligence). A–12 precursor to SR–17 (our favorite aircraft). No weapons, defenses, just speed. Great in battle but no violence.”

This, of course, doesn’t really clear up much, or explain how this Prince–ian name is pronounced. But at least we know the doctors gave Grimes the good drugs.

That concludes another segment of “Boy, Elon’s Really Having a Week Isn’t He?”

Boy, Elon was really having a week wasn’t he?

ONE LAST THING Guns, Booze, & Nachos

During a crisis, you really find out what matters in life.

And I think, what we’ve all discovered during these difficult times is what really matters is family. Wait, I read that wrong.

What really matters is eatin’, boozin’, and shootin’ stuff, according to an investigation by the Wall Street Journal.

Apparel, fashion accessories, and footwear are steadily losing their value (because you only need to get dressed if you actually go outside). But loans backed by food, alcohol, and guns are holding up better than debt tied to any other merchandise.

Which makes sense from an economic POV because there’s nothing to do but get hammered, eat nachos, and shoot stuff. In particular, the existential fear and general sense of impending doom has been very positive for gun sales.

“In the past, we have seen that uncertainty and times of heightened fear and/or of impending political upheaval has been good for gun sales and demand for ammunition,” Alex Sutton, head of research at asset appraisal and liquidation firm Gordon Brothers Group LLC, told the Wall Street Journal. “The coronavirus has certainly brought both of those to bear.”

Appraisal and liquidation firm Tiger Capital Group LLC looked at more than two dozen asset categories to determine their appraised value, according to a report by the WSJ.

For the most part, food and beverages, pharmaceuticals, spirits, and firearms had the lowest appraisal risk. For obvious me–not–wearing–pants reasons, clothes items were the highest risk category, with auto parts, electronics, and building materials falling somewhere in between.

MARKET MOVEMENTS

Closing Data for 5/6/20

• U.S. oil prices posted a fifth straight gain yesterday on hopes that eased lockdown restrictions will bring demand back to fuel.

• Starbucks plans to open 85% of its U.S. stores this week with some new protocols.

• Pickup trucks outsold sedans in the U.S. for the first time ever in April.

Cheers,

Shane Ormond
Editor, One Last Thing

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