Oh No! Not Novichok Again!

It’s not often I hear from the Russians anymore, not since the “ROOF” ran us out of the country during the so-called “Asian Contagon.” So you can imagine my surprise when I answered the phone this morning and Vladimir Putin was on the other end. He was livid.

“The western media is absolutely libeling us on this Alex Navalny story,” Putin told me.

“That’s completely normal,” I said.

“Yes, everyone knows that it’s S.O.P. for the U.S. MIC, MSM and Deep State to do that. That’s not what’s bothering me.”

“And I know Mr. Trump, or at least his henchman, Pompousaho are pushing the meme that the ‘Nord Stream II pipeline will turn Europe Russian.’ It’s really to stifle competition. They think they can liquify all that extra natural gas they’re fracking, ship it clear across the Atlantic, and still make a profit.”

“Well, ah, . . .” I tried to interject, but Vlad was on a roll.

“But that’s not it either.

“They’re keeping NATO on life-support by constantly pushing the idea that we’re their enemy. At least Donald knows better. But, alright, without your MilitaryIndustrialComplex, the American economy would collaspse. Everyone knows that.

“So the Deep State — that phrase originated with Bill Moyers and your PBS — needs an essential villain to keep you Americans bamboozled into total tax penury to support it. We’ve been handed the role.

“We don’t like it, but we understand. Real Politik, as Lavrov keeps reminding me.

“And of course, your elites believe their own lies. So despite the promises made to Gorbachev, they’re expanding NATO, backing out of all nuclear control treaties, and stupidly keep moving your missiles closer and closer to our borders.

“We’ve been forced to beef up our retaliatory nuclear capability. Like you, we can wipe out all life on earth.

“We’ve warned you that we can’t tell if any missile aimed at our territory is nuclear or not and we will be forced to assume it is. And so we’ve obviously returned to launch on warn. That means 20 minutes or less to avert nuclear Armageddon.

“That’s really stupid and keeps me up at night, but that’s not why I’m calling.”

“Well why, then?”

“It’s the Alex Navalny thing. It not only keeps me up at night, it gives me nightmares!” Putin explained.

“And it’s not that they’re trying to blame me for poisoning him, they do silly things like that all the time. Remember the Skripals?”

I did. I’d done a piece on them and their claimed Novichok poisoning in Salisbury.

“As if I have time or interest to worry about wannabes like Navalny. He couldn’t even beat Sobyanin for Mayor of Moscow. Besides, our elections aren’t circuses like yours. Our democracy hasn’t devolved that far yet.

“Can you believe it, they’re getting NATO involved! Lavrov thinks it’s because your exaggerated official COVID narrative, designed to keep you ‘deplorables’ as Hillary Clinton calls you, under control, is about to fall apart. All those massive anti-mask demonstrations in Berlin and London for example.

“But that’s not it either.”

“So why call me?” I asked.

“I read your piece on the Skripals, what did you called it? Meller-Drammer? Farce? And the booing, hissing and peanut-throwing shtick almost made me smile.

“Look, you’ve got to do another article. You’ve got to redeem our nerve poisons! We’ve got a reputation to protect.

“You tend to use guns. You know Lincoln, Kennedy, Reagan, Vince Foster. But here in Europe, we have the Borgias, especially Lucretia.

“When we poison someone, we have the reputation that they STAY poisoned.

“And the nightmares I have are about the intelligence of your countrymen. And especially your leaders. After the Skripals, why did Mrs. Merkel try to blame Novichok again?

Skripal, his daughter Yulia, and now Navalny. I mean really, one of the most poisonous substance on the face of the earth and it fails to kill three out of three?

Who in their right mind would believe that? Do your leaders really think you’ll believe that?

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