Headlines We Just Might Live To See

I never thought I would see the Southern Baptist Convention begin dropping the “Southern” part of its name. “We Are Great Commission Baptists,” says the official SBC website.

I also never thought that I would see the Washington Redskins change its name to the Washington Football Team. I remember the Redskins blocking a kick in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl in 1973 and scoring their only touchdown of the game before losing to the Miami Dolphins.

Here are some headlines that we might, in most cases unfortunately, just live to see—

The NAACP has changed its name to the NAAAA (National Association for the Advancement of African Americans).

Judge rules that beachgoers cannot be required to wear clothes, but can be required to wear face masks.

Birth gender no longer recorded on birth certificates.

Person-sighted-without-a-mask app now standard on all cell phones.

Libertarian Party beats Democrats in naming the first transgender presidential candidate.

Uber drivers now required to conduct temperature checks on all riders.

At the onset of puberty, children must now select a gender from official list of 50 genders.

All women’s sports officially ended; all sports teams now coed.

The last pair of men’s and women’s restrooms converted to unisex restrooms.

Judge rules that strip club must have workforce of 10 percent handicapped.

According to the latest amendment to the Civil Rights Act, all sports teams now required to have 50/50 mix of birth males and birth females.

Supreme Court rules that hormones, drugs, and/or surgery for gender reassignment must be covered by all health insurance plans with no deductible.

Judge rules that airline passengers don’t need to be vaccinated for Diphtheria, Hepatitis, Measles, Mumps, Polio, or Tetanus, but must receive the Covid-19 vaccine.

Most fast-food order takers now working from home.

Temperature checks by the TSA now required before passengers can board airplanes.

Claims of virtual discrimination and sexual harassment skyrocket.

All initial doctor’s visits now done through Zoom.

Participants in anonymous sexual hookups encouraged by the CDC to wear gloves and face masks.

Thousands of churches have now closed their doors and moved their services online.

Only immediate family members from the same state now allowed at funerals.

Covid vaccines now given yearly in conjunction with flu shots.

Plane makes emergency landing after passenger begins coughing on flight.

Study finds that changing your gender is now easier than starting a business or finding a job.

Climate czar tells NHRA and NASCAR that they need to switch to electric vehicles.

All babies now issued adjustable face masks at birth.

U.S. troops now required to wear two face masks, unless engaged in combat, when only one is required.

U.S. troops required to practice social distancing at all times if possible, even while engaged in combat.

Overseas travel suspended indefinitely.

Pilot passes out while wearing two face masks; co-pilot lands plane.

The U.S. military now the largest provider of gender-reassignment surgeries.

The last public pool in the United States has now been drained.

New restaurants now being built with only outdoor dining and take-out.

The CDC recommends that all pregnant women stay at home for the duration of their pregnancy.

New businesses must prove that they are essential before being allowed to open.

All indoor movie theatres forced to close their doors or reopen as drive-ins theatres.

Judge rules that banks can’t prohibit people wearing ski masks or panty hose over their face from entering their lobbies.

Judge rules that dog-walking is not exercising and therefore two face masks are required.

CDC recommends that singing “Happy Birthday” at small parties be stopped; large parties still banned.

Contact tracing now the fastest growing job in America.

CDC recommends that all who die from Covid be cremated.

Woman gets late-night police visit for telling anti-mask joke on Facebook. Oh, wait a minute, that has happened already.

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