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Attorney General Garland Replaces Federal Executions With Bus Tickets To Chicago (satire)

Sunday, July 4, 2021 5:57

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to save tax dollars, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland has replaced federal executions with bus tickets to Chicago. The move received praise from both sides of the political aisle, as a $60 bus ticket per inmate will free up millions to be spent on more important issues like funding a border wall in Egypt. Chicago’s Mayor Lori Lightfoot praised the decision to free those poor, innocent federal criminals into the peaceful bastion of Chicago, where there has been no violence during her tenure. Then, speaking louder in order to be heard over the gunfire, Mayor Lightfoot…

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