Trump Assassination Plot Exposed!

Last night you may have heard that Mike Pence’s plane skidded off a rain-slick runway and barely managed to stop before a serious collision. That’s the story they released to the public. The truth is much scarier. We spoke with someone who was traveling in the SUV with Donald Trump when they tried to finish him off.

RealTrueNews: Can you tell us what happened?

Trump Campaign Staffer: We were en-route to a rally. Moving quickly. The SUV is armored and there’s a security convoy so we’re pretty safe. At least we thought so.

RTN: And then?

TCS: The engine kicked up–started making a weird noise. The driver starts–starts freaking out. No breaks. We’re climbing in speed. Trump says: “Pull the emergency” but the guy is like “No! We’ll crash bad.” I was in the back but we were instantly up at like 80. The RPM meter is red.

RTN: Shit. What–how did he fix it?

TCS: Thank God, Trump was on the phone with Baron [Trump] at the time. He was like: “Dad, you’re being BlueJacked.”

RTN: ”Bluejacked?”

TCS: It turns out with the late-model SUVs, a hacker can get into the car through Bluetooth and–and crash it. Turn off the breaks. The Automatic transmission. Hit the accelerator. Kill most of the steering. It’s freakin’ scary.

RTN: How did you survive?

TCS: Well the driver is expertly weaving through traffic–but he’s gonna hit something. I’m trying to get my seat-belt on. It was panic–everyone but Trump. He’s like: “Fix this.”

So Baron is like–I can hear him typing furiously–he’s like: ‘I’m in through the On-Star system. Hang on. There’s a compromise in the Bios. Hold tight–flashing it–”

RTN: He said all that?

TCS: Verbatim. It’s, like, seared into my memory. I don’t know what any of that even means . . . 

RTN: Okay?

TCS: Then he goes ‘Dad, I’ve flashed the bios and killed the exploit. It’ll re-boot in five seconds. Then you have to pull over. You need another ride. I’m sending an Uber en-route. Asking for a 1990′s era vehicle. Hang on. Ford Crown Victoria?”

Trump goes: “Anything else?” I mean, we’re like up on 2 wheels and at more than 120 miles per hour–

And Baron says: “Lincoln Navigator. Luxury series.”

Trump goes: “Right.”

Then the driver got control. It was a close thing. I almost had to go change my pants.

RTN: Then what?

TCS: We went to the rally in the Navigator. Huge crowd. Great Momentum. The cops are like “No proof”–but we’re installing all kinds of defenses. That’s all I can say.

RTN: Wow. Good luck!

TCS: Won’t need it.

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