Fighting Talk From Keyboard Commandos

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The U.S. — A new policy issued by the United States Department of Defense, in conjunction with online platforms like Twitter and Facebook, will automatically enlist you to fight in a foreign war if you post your support for attacking another country.

People who bravely post about how the U.S. needs to invade some country in the Middle East or Asia or outer space will get a pop-up notice indicating they’ve been enlisted in the military. A recruiter will then show up at their house and whisk them away to fight in the foreign war they wanted to happen so badly.

“Frankly, recruitment numbers are down, and we needed some way to find people who are really enthusiastic about fighting wars,” said a DOD official. “Then it hit us like a drone strike: there are plenty of people who argue vehemently for foreign intervention. It doesn’t matter what war we’re trying to create: Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China, these people are always reliable supporters of any invasion abroad. So why not get them there on the frontlines?”

“After all, we want people who are passionate about occupying foreign lands, not grunts who are just there for the pay check,” he added.

Strangely, as soon as the policy was implemented, 99% of sabre-rattling suddenly ceased.

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