Santorum Hearing Voices

By Michael Collins
Satire

(Washington, DC) Senator Rick Santorum knows something many of us do not. Satan is waging war on the United States. This is no scruffy terrorist group carrying explosives in their underwear or shoes. It is Satan himself, also known as the Devil, Mephistopheles, the Beast, etc. (Image one, two)

How does the senator know so much about this attack?

Santorum hears voices.

Four years ago, he admitted just that:

“Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those voices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has (sic) deeply rooted in the American tradition,” Senator Rick Santorum from The Daily Beast

That’s a very strong statement. Some wonder if the senator is barking-at-the-moon mad. Santorum is undeterred. Campaigning in Arizona, he asserted his right to speak out about “good and evil.” He referenced former President Ronald Reagan as one political leader who shared this view. Santorum also shares Reagan’s strongly held conviction that trees cause pollution.

The Father of Lies (that would be Satan)

In a 2008 speech in Florida, Santorum offered this chilling vision:

“This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country – the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?”

The senator raises an interesting question. Who would Satan attack? Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Don Rumsfeld come to mind. They got a million Iraqi citizens killed thanks to their insane 2003 invasion. Perhaps, Satan would just recruit them for his legion of doom.

Is Santorum’s Intimate Knowledge of Satan Just a Coincidence?

Senator Santorum seems to know a great deal about Satan. The fact that he hears the evil one’s voices indicates that he’s been singled out, a chosen one of sorts. Do you hear Satan’s voice or know anyone who does?

Santorum also knows Satan’s battle plan. The Beast is targeting the United States by showing his influence in any number of ways. Other than Santorum, who else speaks with confidence about Satan’s direct impact on our day to day lives?

It’s just a little too convenient, isn’t it? Senator Rick Santorum is so close to Satan that he hears his voices. Does the senator talk back? What is the dialog like? Can we really know Santorum’s ultimate purpose without this information?

For those who believe that Satan actually exists, it is worth asking these questions. Is Rick Santorum in league with the devil? Is he the chosen one who will take over the United States, bring us down, and deliver Hell on earth?

END

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