Feeling Cranky

I was trying to think of a clever title for today’s post then decided to just go with the straight truth.  I am in an awful mood this morning, feeling run-down, worn out, sick of being so busy but never getting anything important done, and just wanting to crawl back into bed.

You know that saying, “she got up on the wrong side of the bed today”?  Yup, that’s me.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night, so I woke up still tired this morning, even though I managed to sleep until 8 am (late for me) and stayed in bed until 8:30.  I am just feeling cranky and blue.  Life lately feels like I’m running on a hamster wheel – busy, busy, busy all the time but never accomplishing the stuff that’s really important to me.  This week, I spent all my days handling health insurance problems, making phone calls and going to meetings to arrange accommodations for my son in college, running errands, making doctor’s appointments, refilling medicines, ordering supplements, etc.  Being sick is a full-time job!

One of the personal goals I have is to have fun – seriously, I had to write that down as a goal.  And the sad thing is that it’s still not happening.  Reading for 15 minutes before my nap each afternoon and before bed at night is pretty much my sole source of fun these days.  I don’t do anything for myself.  I feel like my life is never-ending obligations and responsibilities.  And did I mention that I am fed up with this restricted diet?  I want a piece of pizza!  Actually, I just want my morning bowl of oatmeal or a piece of freakin’ toast.

See?  I told you I was feeling cranky.  I usually do pretty well at maintaining a positive and optimistic attitude, but I just feel too worn out to bother today.  I feel as if I am on the verge of tears. 

I’m a bit worried because sometimes feeling depressed is a sign of an impending crash for me.  Anyone else get that, too?  I’ll have a sudden bout of blues, snapping at my husband, crying over trivial things, obsessing over minor issues, and then the next day – bam!  Down for the count.  To be honest, a crash actually sounds almost good right now.  Aw, you know I don’t really mean that – certainly I now first-hand how awful that feels – but it would at least be an excuse to forget about the to-do list and just rest and read.

I know I should just do that anyway – forget the to-do list and take care of myself.  But then who is going to refill the medicine boxes today?  And I am weeks behind schedule in ordering review books from the fall catalogs.  And Jamie needs help on one of his last remaining essays for high school.  And we need to pay bills this weekend.  See what I mean?

OK, I am done ranting.  I am going to try a brief foray outside where it is actually a pretty nice morning for a change (it’s been too hot and humid to spend time outside all summer).  And, yes, I will try to relax some today and take care of myself for a change.  Thanks for listening, as always!!

This post is reprinted from the blog Learning to Live with CFS