Military Executes Andrew Cuomo

Disgraced politician, murderer, and sexual predator Andrew Cuomo was hanged at Guantanamo Bay early Tuesday morning for his role in perpetrating the global plandemic and callously killing thousands of senior citizens who, were it not for his actions, might still be alive today.

At 6:00 a.m. the humiliated former governor ate his last meal, steak and eggs, after which GITMO security drove him to the southern edge of the installation where JAG and Office of Military Commission officers anxiously awaited his arrival. Predictively, Cuomo did not go gracefully into the night; the ineloquent, foul-mouthed, bovine Cuomo seemed to thrive on hurling insults at everyone he met that morning, from GITMO security to the Marines who drove him to the execution site, from Vice. Adm. Crandall to the anonymous hangman who slipped a braided noose around his neck.

But his flippant obscenities only hastened his execution.

“I spit on every one of you motherfuckers,” a petulant Cuomo said as his Marine guard pushed him to the gallows.

Around the lethal apparatus stood an assembly of military brass loyal to the “White Hat” movement and one Republican governor whose name RRN has been asked to conceal. Rear Adm. Crandall stood front-and-center, gazing upward at Cuomo as the hangman tightened the noose around his bulky neck.

“Having been found guilty, you’ve been sentenced to hang by the neck until dead. Do you wish Last Rites? I imagine it’s futile to ask if you wish to give a statement of contrition,” Rear Adm. Crandall addressed the condemned.

Atop the platform, Cuomo beseeched and berated his executioners. “Here’s my statement: Fuck you, Crandall.” He slung “F” words liberally, profaning Rear Adm. Crandall’s wife, children, and mother, then turned his attention towards the others in attendance. “Fuck all of you.”

“I guess that’s what we expected,” Rear Adm. Crandall said.

“There’s more of me than there are of you, Crandall. Killing me won’t stop anything,” Cuomo barked.

“We’ll see about that,” Rear Adm. Crandall said.

The anonymous soldier standing beside Cuomo flipped a lever, and the concealed door beneath Cuomo’s feet swung open, dropping him until the rope went taught and snapped his neck.

A Navy doctor on scene pronounced him dead, then put his body in a zippered polyurethane bag.