At the End of the Day

Sooner or later – as a rest from daily news – everyone needs a reminder of just how irrelevantly surreal things could get if Useful Idiots continue to embrace drivel.

“In the context of the vaccine bounce, the Conservatives should take this seat,” an anonymous Labour Party source told the Daily Telegraph yesterday. Yes indeed, the current ‘Broad Church’ of the British Left – that’s the place of worship in which one wing wants to raise money for the steeple fund, and the other wing wants to demolish the building – is on course to lose the Hartlepool by-election on May 6th. Only Labour could be the Party in opposition to a form of neoliberal Conervatism that destroyed the North East, and manage to lose a by-election there.

While it looks like there won’t be a bloater on the dishee for Keir Starmer’s Bolshie Mensheviks, I have to confess I got far more engaged with the concept of a ‘vaccine bounce’. It has the air (like Labour itself, in fact) of some dance craze from the 1920s:

From ladies with bobbed hairstyles and bare-back evening dresses to Pearly Kings in Lambeth, everyone’s doing the Vaccine Bounce. That said, the problem for Labour is, they’re all dead. And the constituency of Heaven North East is not as yet part of our democratic rainbow….although over in the US, between the graveyard hours of three to six am, it swept the board in the recent election of the Hologram Biden.

A problem is perhaps being stored up for Little & Large (aka Allcock & Clown, aka Matt & Bojo) in that those bouncing with virtue, having had the foresight to let someone puncture them with Jungle Juice, may in the medium term become resting parrots. But if and when that happens, we will be told (and I have this on the best authority money can buy) that the parrots nailed to the perch died of natural causes…once the WHO has redefined that term.

Alternatively, NHS Protector General Chris Whitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang could argue that the vaccine has mutated, and so now we have two deadly enemies – a devilishly cunning Chinese bio-weapon virus, and a deadly rogue strain of the vaccine – the blame for which, of course, cannot be laid at the Big Pharma door: partly because it was an unforseeable circumstance out of left field, but chiefly because Per adua ad Astrazeneca and chums were given perpetual freedom from any come-back, catastrophe, catatonic state or collapsed lungs that might result from a perfectly understandable settled scientific pursuit of monied happiness.

Such a devastating scenario would (no – sod it, will) result in new emergency measures whose sole objective is to ensure the protection of our freedoms by eradicating wild libertarian conspiracy theorists. We will be told to socially distance ourselves from GPs and other frontline Health Fifth Columnists identifying with mad 17th century Quaker extremists on the subject of vaccination. Justin Trudeau will be given a special Nobel Prize for Infrastructural Foresight, and his contribution to medicine via compulsory mercy killings of incurably insane Moose being held in 458 Reeducation camps across Canada.

As it takes 23.1 years to reeducate a moose – and even longer to brainwash a virologist – regrettably the irreversible British motorway to holidays and pub sessions (for those who have been declared certified on account of their willingness to ignore dead rhesus monkeys) will have to be closed for urgent repairs. (The motorway, not the certifiable. Although thinking further about it, both)

Thus, by 2044 at the latest, we should be able to abandon masks, swabs, PCR, FOI, Habeus corpus, Homo sapiens and non-violent anarchist opposition once and for all.

Even then, however, we must not let our guard down. For those who guard our freedoms by bending knees and breaking rules are trained to know where the next deadly, mortal worst threat since the Pleistocene meteor hit is coming.

I can now reveal exclusively that the next attack on us will also come from the skies….for even as I write, the AntiChrist Vladimir Rasputin is training avian species to go one giant leap further than shitting on our cars immediately after making use of valeting services.

It would be impossible to underrate the sub-atomic nature of this attack on our democratic values. Fresh from his enormous success in training dolphins to interfere with US electoral software, the Russian despot Putin has now turned his dastardly attention (after viewing closet NKVD agent Alfred Hitchcock’s classic agitprop allegory The Birds) to the awesome power of airborne dinosaur species.

This is of course not Fake News, but rather carefully gathered military intelligence information irrefutably interpreted by the same CIA/MI6/GCHQ/RSPCA shock troops who informed the thinking behind such breakthrough operations as the Bay of Pigs, Cambodian Blanket Bombing, the Berlin Wall Peace Dividend, the Iraq WOMD rescue, the Arab Spring, the Libyan liberation and the bombing of cunningly ethereal chemical weapons in Syria.

I can now reveal that special NATO insurgency units have cracked the fiendish Novokodrumski code, and are thus able to show conclusive evidence of Russian bibliophilic training of Avians. Ivan the Bear has, for example, completed the translation of many infamously seditious works into Featherspeak. These include:

Batman & Robin
Lady Chaffinch’s Lover
The taming of the Crow
The Birdman of Alacatraz
Blackbird the Pirate
Magpie Bovary
The Starling Buds of May
The Life & Doves of Frank Harris
The Merry Wrens of Windsor
The Dunnock Vinci Code
The Pigeons of Penzance
One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Murder most Owl

New normal service will restored tomorrow