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How to be a Successful Black Republican/Conservative

Thursday, August 8, 2013 8:00

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The following list represents a tried-and-true formula for gaining instant fame and prominence as a black conservative/Republican.

#1. Spend inordinate amounts of media time talking about how much you loathe being called an “African-American” -since hyphenations of any kind are “un-American.”

#2. Tell your audiences how sick you are of liberals playing the race card, but make sure your website, book name, documentary title, and T-shirt line CLEARLY identify you as a BLACK conservative/Republican.

#3. Constantly talk about how Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are race baiters. Obsessively mention Tawana Brawley and the Duke lacrosse scandal, but don’t ever mention Amadou Diallo (the unarmed African immigrant who was shot at 41 times in front of his home while pulling out his wallet to show the NYPD his identification) and Abner Louima (The Haitian immigrant sodomized by an NYPD officer with a bathroom plunger).

#4. Complain about how much you’re rejected and victimized by the black left and how sad you are that you’re always being excluded and called a “sellout.”

#5. Remind the conservative base, ad nauseum, how much black people love government handouts and welfare. Don’t mention anything about the fact that the black statistical representation of welfare recipients is virtually equal to that of whites. Also, don’t EVER tell them that the majority of blacks really aren’t poor, aren’t criminals, don’t hate white people, and don’t wait for marching orders from Sharpton and Jackson, et al. Mentioning any of the above could result in fewer book sales, less airtime, or a drastic reduction in donations.

(Note: Never, ever proffer the following questions: ‘Why do blacks who aren’t receiving any government handouts continue to reject the right?’ ‘Why do Asians, Jews, Hispanics and almost every other minority group vote overwhelmingly Democrat?’)

#6. Talk about how Martin Luther King’s dream was a post-racial society, but don’t ever post the clip of him proclaiming, “I’m black and I’m proud!” on any of your social media outlets.

#7. Make fun of Africa and be sure to thank God for slavery.

#8. Publicly denigrate movements like the NAACP, and the Congressional Black Caucus because they’re “racial separatists”-but don’t say anything about conservative organizations designed specifically for Blacks.

#9. When discussing George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, ignore everything that transpired up until the point Zimmerman was getting beat up.

#10. Defend Paula (Obama Supporter) Deen, but make fun of Rachel Jeantel every opportunity you get!

#11. Talk about race when it comes to abortion and welfare dependence, but don’t address race under any other circumstances. Sentencing disparities? Police brutality? Racial profiling? Red lining? Glass ceilings? What the heck are those?

#12. Do not discuss substantive issues like recidivism, inmate re-entry, community policing, or high school dropout rates. Instead, blame Obama for all that is wrong with the universe. (This one works like a charm!)

#13. Talk about black-on-black crime, black-on-white crime, but don’t ever discuss white-on-white crime, and especially not white-on-black crime!

#14. Whenever someone asks you about the racist undercurrent on the right, blame liberals. Under no circumstances are you allowed to address racism on the right. Remember: Racism doesn’t exist anymore.

#15. Finally, make certain to constantly go on right-wing media outlets and talk about how black people need to do this and that, but DON’T YOU DARE roll up your sleeves and go into those communities with the sole objective to listen and serve.

About the Author: Vanessa Jean-Louis is a proud member of the solution-oriented Black Republican and Conservative movement. Satire helps her keep her blood pressure down. She yearns to break the monopoly liberals have over minority voters, but realizes conservatives have their part to play as well (you know, the whole personal responsibility thing). She fights for endemic change on the right-not a change in principles, but a change in TONE. Vanessa’s made appearances on FOX, HOT97, BET, PJTV, Breitbart Radio, and Black Enterprise TV. She has contributed to online publications including, “HipHop Republican,” and “theGrio.” Follow her on Twitter: “Marcus Garvey Girl” @AFRconservative.

Source: http://www.hiphoprepublican.com/vanessa-jean-louis-how-to-be-a-successful-black-republicanconservative/

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