Birther Porn??? (Or, A Psycho-Sexual Basis For Birtherism)

The Story of  M

by Anonymous

Chapter 1. In The Judge’s Chamber

M had been a bad little lawyer  and he knew it. Once again he had presented his worst side to the Court, foisting off that Birther two citizen parent nonsense on another hapless client, and an overburdened judicial system. Now, it was time to pay the piper. Judge Tanya entered her chamber from a small office that served as the storeroom for her working clothes and the special litigation tools she used to keep her lawyers in line.

She was dressed in a black see-through robe, which did nothing to hide her ample cleavage, slim waist, and full hips. From the look on her face, M knew what was coming. . . a gag order and judicial restraint.  But not the good kind. She held one hand behind her back and M could not see what she was holding.  He was frightened and excited at the same, and he felt himself involuntarily rising for the Court. Then Judge Tanya whipped it out from behind her back . . . and he felt his worst fears and desires confirmed. It was the Rules of Civil Procedure!

Then Judge Tanya spoke in a dark, low voice, saying firmly “Today I had better hear some Special Pleadings, and you better not just go through the motions!  Now what do you have to say for yourself?”

M knew this routine well, and he had memorized the words, “You have personal jurisdiction over me, Your Honor, and I beg this Honorable Court to sanction me!”

Whoa, I had better cut Chapter 1 off before it gets to Rule 12(f) which covers Motions To Strike.

Anyway, there I was drinking a glass of Franzia White Zinfadel Wine, and reading the Vermont Birther Complaint.  I just couldn’t figure out why the Birthers keep on filing the same old crap over and over, even though it always loses. Plus, judges have started punishing the Birthers for filing these frivolous suits. Van Irion just got clobbered for over $20,000.00. Tracy Fair in Maryland got hit for costs. Mario Apuzzo, Esq. had to pay a small amount up in New Jersey when his appeal flopped. Couldn’t they see what was coming next???

Then it hit me! The Birthers weren’t stupid after all! It wasn’t that they were incapable of learning. They weren’t just butting their heads against brick walls for the heck of it. No, they enjoyed it! The pain of losing and all the humiliation turns them on!

If you think about it, this is the ONLY answer that makes any sense. There is no answer that you can find above the waist that explains why they keep on spouting out all that Vattel stuff when court after court has sent them packing. There is no higher cerebral function that provides justification for believing in the two citizen parents Imaginary Law enough to file a suit over it. Repeatedly.

But if you skip past the cerebrum, and all those frontal lobes and neopallium, and dig down deep into where the old Reptilian archipallium scrunches into the Paleomammalian limbric, then you can explain Birtherism as some sort of weird animal sexual pleasure.

This is even some scientific evidence for this theory. The following excerpt, from a most Birther appropriate source, is based on Paul MacLeans triune brain theory: (See http://www.kheper.net/topics/intelligence/MacLean.htm . See also http://uwf.edu/jgould/triunebrain.pdf ) :

The reptilian brain is the most ancient of the brains. It has two hemispheres, just like the neocortex, and it may be that they relate functionally to the left and right hemispheres of the neocortex. The reptilian brain consists of the upper part of the spinal cord and the basal ganglia, the diencephalon, and parts of the midbrain— all of which sits atop the spinal column like a knob in the middle of our heads.

It is thought to represent a fundamental core of the nervous system and derives from a form of mammal-like reptile that once ranged widely over the world but disappeared during the Triassic period having provided the evolutionary link between dinosaurs and mammals. All modern mammals have this reptilian complex, including humans.

At least five human behaviors originate in the reptilian brain. These have been denoted as isopraxic, preservative, re-enactment, tropistic, and deceptive. Without defining them, I shall simply say that in human activities they find expression in:

1- Obsessive-compulsive behavior;

2- Personal day-to-day rituals and superstitious acts;

3- Slavish conformance to old ways of doing things;

4- Ceremonial re-enactments;

5- Obeisance to precedent, as in legal, religious, cultural, and other matters;

6- Responding to partial representations (coloration, “strangeness,” etc.), whether alive or inanimate; and

7- All manner of deception.

The expressions of that reptilian brain behavior as provided above nail the Birthers cold. You see them obsessively and compulsively filing frivolous suits, and slavishly doing them in the same conforming manner. Their blogs and websites are filled with ceremonial re-enactments including American Eagles, Founding Fathers, American flags (no gold fringe), and the Revolutionary War guys with the fife and drum and flag.

Their obeisance to legal precedent might not seem to fit, until you realize they are just respecting the earlier faux precedents of Emerich de Vattel, tempered with reactions to the strangeness of a black man in the White House. One can almost see the discombobulated coloration and strangeness gears grinding against each other down there in the Gulag Archipallium of their minds – – -the colors don’t match, the colors don’t match, he’s black and the house is white, he’s black and the house is white. . .

Finally, Birthers are all into deception. But they generally only deceive themselves, so they have to travel in packs and stay in safe and cozy echo chambers lest anyone disturb their illusion of sanity.

While this explains the source of the behavior, it does not explain the peculiar way that behavior manifests itself, namely the weird desire to be disciplined and punished by Judges. Perhaps the black robes are a Nihilistic self-destruction symbol, or maybe when they were children they got spankings while old Perry Mason episodes were running in the background. That is beyond the scope of this article. But we do know that some people find sexual pleasure in pain and humiliation.

All we can do here is to document that it happens, and happens often, and that there is no rational explanation for this behavior. Therefore, the explanation must fall into the irrational category, and what is more irrational in human existence than sexual behavior???

No doubt this will be a controversial theory, but nothing else adequately explains the craziness.

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter