After Sandy Hook Shooting, White House Lays Out Who Is Eligible For Teary Press Conference

WASHINGTON – Are other countries jealous of President Obama’s heartfelt response to the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary?

After a petition from Yemen gained prominence online, the White House was forced to lay out who qualified for a heartfelt press conference from the president, and who did not. After a few hours of deliberation by the president’s top aides, it was decided that, with little exception, only massacres of children in America that leave the victims’ bodies mostly intact are eligible for a tearful press conference.

If, say, the massacre is carried out not by a single shooter, but by a series of people taking commands from higher-ups who work for a recognized global empire’s military, there will be no weepy conference from the commander-in-chief. The other caveat comes down to how much of the victims’ bodies can be retrieved from the site of annihilation.

The petition came from a group of people in Yemen who implored the White House online to get President Obama to give a press conference for those killed in the American strike on their village of al Majala, but they were denied.

“Twenty-one children and fourteen women dead,” said a Yemeni man familiar with that terrifying day back in December of 2009. “Perhaps, with an apology, they’d even come back to life,” he said, referring to that mysterious group of twenty-four Pakistani soldiers who were slain by NATO and resurrected after an apology by the U.S. State Department.

“We saw the president on television wiping away his tears as he talked about the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. We would like the same genuine recognition,” he said.

Tomahawk missiles fired by the United States obliterated the small village as they sought to kill a man with alleged ties to Al Qaeda in the Arabic Peninsula (AQAP). Most of the men had been away working at the time of the strike. When they came back, they found their lives blown up, and pieces of their wives, mothers, and daughters interspersed in the rubble.

The United States ain’t going to weep for that…

After a hushed-up investigation took place by Yemeni officials, the verdict sent back to the Pentagon was partially positive: the bad guy had probably been taken out. But it was impossible to tell for sure since the missiles pulverized the homes and all their occupants.

A former lieutenant of the United States Army called the Yemeni petition “a gratuitous form of jealousy.” If that village has a possible tie to Al Qaeda, that village will be taken out, he said, and the United States “ain’t going to weep and get on one knee for that.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney tried to fitfully explain the White House’s decision after a wily reporter asked about the petition. “The White House, the president in particular, but not just him, has trouble working up the necessary welling of emotion when there is, essentially, nothing left of the victims. Which is the case in Yemen.”

Carney said when the victims are disintegrated, “it’s almost like no harm, no foul.” Sheer distance between us and them also helps, he noted.