Ranking the NBA Mascots

Editors Note: Joe Buri wrote this piece during the NBA season two years ago. It’s still fantastic to read over. Enjoy it.

Whether you love ‘em or you hate ‘em, mascots have become a staple of the NBA gameday tradition, from their daredevil tricks to their worn-out gags. The Minnesota Timberwolves have Crunch and he stacks up quite well compared to the other NBA mascots. The brute, however, doesn’t even come in as one of the top ten NBA mascots.

I know you’re probably wondering what the heckinheimer a brute is, or why the Timbewolves Crunch is comparable to my dad’s favorite cologne, or why I’m even ranking the NBA’s top mascots. And I’d say those are all fair questions. A brute, I’ll have you know, is a male wolf. Interesting little fun fact, huh? I bet you didn’t know that…much like you probably don’t know that the human head weighs eight pounds, or that bees and dogs can smell fear, or that my neighbor has three rabbits. I digress. How old is our beloved Crunch? By all estimations, he is somewhere in his thirties, which, in dog years, means he is somewhere in his two hundreds. Amazing that he can still sled down the Target Center stairs like it’s 1992. In answer to your second question, I’m ranking the NBA’s top mascots because I know you have been dying for this list for years.

Now if you’ve read this far, there’s a good chance your heart has a special place for Crunch and all mascots. Or perhaps you love all things exceedingly dorky. Or perhaps you just have an unusually high tolerance for pain. Whatever the case, you’re still with me. Given that you’re still hanging on my every word, I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind learning a little more about Crunch the mascot, in particular how a truly born-in-the-wild wolf became an ambassador for one of the NBA’s most exciting NBA teams ever to enter the league. (No, the italicized words are not the offspring of my creative thinking. Even I can’t be that cheesy. I yoinked those words off the Timberwolves’ website. As in…those words are actually used by the T-Wolves to describe Crunch’s role with the team. As in…the Timberwolves referred to themselves as one of the most exciting teams to ever enter the NBA. As in…we are being led to believe that the six-foot oversized Timberwolf walking around Target Center on his hind legs was apparently born in the wild. And don’t even get me started on the fact that the adjective NBA is twice used by the Wolves to modify the noun teams. The whole thing is embarrassing.) Well, if you’re hungry for Crunch-tastic knowledge, I have a glut of information to satiate your collective appetites.

According to the Timberwolves website, Crunch was born in the northernmost part of Minnesota’s wilderness areas. It was there that he grew to love something never before seen by others in his pack. (Yep, you guessed it…he grew to love the game of basketball. If Crunch spontaneously learned to love basketball all by himself, I’d be interested to know what the others in his pack grew to love. Basket weaving? Yoga?) Crunch’s love of basketball puzzled his mother and father, for he seemed to pick the game up all on his own. (In other words, they didn’t have a Junior Wolves program for poor Crunch to be a part of.) Using a makeshift basket made of pinecones and birch bark (really?), Crunch began to refine his game as a young pup. He learned various rules and techniques, and studied players and coaches alike. (…players like Brad Lohaus, Ndudi Ebi, Tod Murphy and Gundars Vetra…coaches like Jimmy Rodgers and Bill Blair.) And when the Timberwolves came to town, Crunch made the decision to leave all he knew and move to the big city (and somewhere along the way also learned to walk like homo erectus). So where does Crunch live when he isn’t pumping up (the always-raucous) Target Center crowd? No one knows for sure. But legend says he has a den somewhere deep inside Target Center. On game days, he is lured out of his den by the deafening howls of his favorite fans (yes, they used the word deafening), which remind him of his days in the Northwoods, but keep him here as he helps the team in their pursuit of victory (apparently he hasn’t been doing a very good job the last few seasons).

So there it is…the life story of Crunch. Who knew his biography was so incredible? (Who knew he lived underneath Target Center?) Well, in honor of Crunch’s birthday, I thought I’d take this opportunity to look more closely at some of Crunch’s mascot colleagues around the NBA, and rank them from top to bottom. Without further adieu, the NBA mascot rankings…

The Pretentious Bastards

30. Los Angeles Clippers

29. Los Angeles Lakers

28. New York Knickerbockers

Three teams in the NBA do not have a mascot. Not surprisingly, all three come from either Los Angeles or New York…two cities that reek of self-absorption. As the saying goes, we’re not arrogant; we’re just better than you. Apparently it applies to mascotorial adoptions as well. An interesting side story about just how self-absorbed these cities can be: I was at a wedding this summer in Palo Alto, California, and happened to meet a guy who was originally from L.A. He was a nice guy, conversation was pleasant enough. Somewhere along the way, he asked me where I was from. I told him I was from the Twin Cities—Minneapolis-Saint Paul area—to which he responded, “I have no idea where that is.” When I told him it was in Minnesota, he gave me a quizzical look, still not knowing where it was. So I gave up and told him it was by Chicago. This resonated well with him. Only a La-La native would unquestioningly accept Minnesota is near Chicago as a perfectly acceptable answer.

By the way, the Knicks occasionally use Maddie the Lovable Dog, the mascot of the WNBA’s New York Liberty, as their mascot. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Go to TC Huddle to read the entire article.