Self-Healing Series: When Scapegoat Children Grow Up (#---)

Continuing my series here, I’m next going to examine what’s typical for other scapegoated children like me. I could do no right. Though I did no wrong (or very petty and rare wrongs) I was treated as if I was a monster by my Malignant Narci father and like I was a bother to my Neglectful Narci mother.

I figure I should take a peek at what’s typical in this life situation.

Find the Dr. Ramani video here (which I guess no one is ever supposed to link to? Oh well, I’ll take down the link if anyone asks):
www.youtube.com/watch

WHEN SCAPEGOATS GROW UP

Scapegoats grow up being gaslit, targets of unjustified rage, and isolated from help or comfort, so they learn to walk on eggshells to survive. They face the most mental health issues of all the children who grow up with narcissist parents. What happens when they leave that family system?

Mental health issues include anxiety and depression, but also Complex Developmental PTSD, and chronic self-doubt and self-blame. They often use “maladaptive coping” like substances, over-shopping, over-eating, or gambling to deal with all the negative emotions.

Adult relationships are likely a great struggle, and adult Scapegoats often choose partners who replicate the invalidation cycle of their childhood. [Oof!] They are used to contemptuous disregard and continue to accept it far too often in adult relationships. It can take them until much later in life to let go of their family legacy and find better people and better ways of relating. They can get stuck cycling with their family of origin, though, far past the due date because they retain false hope of change or redemption.

Scapegoats are seldom ambitious, usually selling themselves short and not pursuing academic or professional goals that they would be considered capable of from an outside perspective. The family of origin are quite happy to keep the Scapegoat in their humbled place, never fully able to launch into life and discover their full potential.

While a small subset of Scapegoats become Covert Narcissists, most show great empathy (which is the major reason why they are targeted by their narci parents). Most had a rich fantasy life revolving around how they wish they were treated that can save them in the long run. [OMG!]  In addition, they are very good at reading people and understanding their motivations and predicting behaviors, as they were required to do this to survive being targeted by their narci parents, and to keep the family system as peaceful and productive as possible. Those skills in warmth and awareness of others can be a wonderful gift later in life.

If Scapegoats get good therapy and extract themselves from the self-defeating patterns, or– alternately– if they enter a healthy relationship or friendships, that can help them see their own gifts and give them the power to stand up for themselves and cut contact with narci parents or at least create very strong boundaries. Then they can begin to blossom and use that empathy to become champions of the oppressed, advocates for healing and “bully slayers” who refuse to allow injustice on their turf. Once former Scapegoats reach a level of mental health, they can be the best Red Flag detectors you can find.

Interestingly, Scapegoats often go on to become tremendously wonderful parents themselves, having learned “negative lessons” from their own upbringing. They’re great friends and stand strong for their new family, whoever those lucky people might be.

~ Wow! That’s nice to hear! And it fits so exactly with what I’ve been through myself as I’ve processed my own pain from those dark days.