Cutting Thru Shadows

My depression is gone, and things may not be so dire as they once seemed– I DID do a ‘shadow working’ after all to pull out and expose the blocks that are in my way of healing and doing better, and so all the shit has been bubbling up as it was supposed to! I completely forgot about the spell I just did the day before I had a 3-day plunge into depression! Like– DOY! A solar eclipse spell to work over 2 weeks, then Sowin and a lunar eclipse spell. (Both are for partial eclipses, so not too crazy, hopefully!)

I suppose that I have done so few spells recently that I actually get surprised they work and even forget I did them sometimes! That’s rather embarrassing considering I had to remind my student Amara, who ALSO did the shadow working spell to not be too surprised by the level of negativity that pops up over the last two weeks, including feeling remorse and guilt and shame. *V8 head slap*

Meanwhile, I finally had a dream I remembered, and it was a good IFS work reminder, also in keeping with what I’m looking for with this spell.

In the dream, I was in a house with Gerick and his parents and Gerick was being an asshole to his mother and to me over things not being perfect for some former nanny who was a friend of his or something? Anyways, in the last scene, Gerry just went hysterical apeshit in a bedroom, and I went into the kitchen where his dad was getting himself a cup of coffee or something, and I said to his dad in a low tone that his son’s behavior was “over the top.” Just then, my ex came into the kitchen, likely to have heard me, and I braced myself for a big fight because I had dared to “shame” him– as if my mentioning it was a bigger crime than his doing it!

I woke up angry, but also had an “Oh, DUH” reaction. My IFS work has concentrated mostly on the first 21 years of my life that I lived with my parents and my subsequent relationship with people from those first years, including relatives and childhood friends like Robin and peers from school, etc. However, the 25 years after that I was with Gerick, and I have yet to really deal with the mental constructs of him and his family and my life during that time with Internal Family Systems dream work or aspect dialogue.

I know why. When I was with Gerick, concentrating on my family bullshit made sense because I was away from them. Then, right off the divorce, I was finishing that process. I wanted nothing more than to just not deal with all the ex bullshit lingering in my brain. However, it’s been seven years, and even Cat– CAT!– has said that I’m still operating in some ways as if Gerick is still actively a part of my life. Old habits you know…

The dream, and my incredible emotional response to it, indicate that I can’t put off dealing with the crazy I picked up from my years with Gerick. I need to pull them out and confront them, and the false beliefs or habits I learned from that period, and heal them — and perhaps from that find some measure of sanity and mental security.