4 Proofs The U.S. Is Ruled By Monkeys In Disguise

I know this may be considered yet another conspirative theory. Buy I honestly admit I am deeply concerned it might be true. If you think about it, it`s actually quite plausible. How else could you possibly explain all the major fails in the past five years or so?

Sure, you may say the system has slowly rotten to its very core and it would cost us billions of dollars to fix the mistakes and replace incompetent employees (aka the majority) with people who`d actually do their job…But the monkeys-in-suits theory makes so much more sense when you take a look at these 4 particularly embarrassing four fails:

#1: Republicans vs. Democrats: the battle of wits has turned to Tag! You`re in!

So the government shut down a little… So what? It`s not that big of a deal, it`s just a little game they like to play. Republicans say nay to the Democrats` illusionary reforms, then pass the ball in the other court. And then Obama`s team players send it right back where it came from. Apparently, politics and economics are boring. So politicians decided to take a break and play ping-pong instead.

In the meanwhile, everything is crashing and burning outside the playroom. But who`s to notice when pointing fingers and throwing the blame at each other is so much fun. Last one to be pointed at is a rotten egg!

#2: The government invested millions on drones… and nothing on new reglementations!

Now this is probably one of the most convincing proofs that we are governed by monkeys in disguise. Ask a monkey to do a complex task that requires more than one step… it wouldn`t be a surprise if it completed the first step, got bored or distracted and started climbing the furniture or chewing on its own feet.

Clearly, that`s what happened here. The government invested $4.9 million on unmanned aircrafts, but still applies the same outdated regulations they use for regular, manned aircrafts. Even though drones are used in many different ways, from spying on American citizens to spying on Muslims or spying on federal employees, making sure the Snowden FanClub plays nice.

So they had a complex and quite delicate job to do. They completed the first step: they bought the aircrafts. Then, they fell through. Now, as you know, it`s not that difficult to make a transaction. One might even say a chimp could do it. However, it takes a human IQ to update reglementations. So, logically, they were forced to stick to the old ones to keep this ingenious disguise a secret.

#3: CISPA, SOPA and other Internet censoring bills are judged by people who can barely turn on a computer

A few months ago, I`ve read this report about the people responsible for passing bills such as CISPA or SOPA. They have no idea how the Internet works. And they`re also very proud of it, as well.

To them, the Internet is this useless thing kids these days waste their time on. Facebook, Youtube, pornography… scum of the society compiled in millions of satanic pixels. But, more importantly, the Internet is something way too big and uncontrollable for their communist aspirations. People can see more than the government`s side of the story? Well, then what the hell did they strive to buy the whole mainstream media for? Clearly, the Internet is a threat. End of discussion.

And what happens when the ones in charge cannot and will not understand the matter? Well, the legend says a monkey dressed in a suit drops in and passes the bill. Then it proceeds on its regular banana eating program.

#4: The system`s crashing. Could you please wait an eternity until someone fixes it?

This one`s fresh from the oven. The Affordable Care Act sign-up system got the green light…and then crashed in a matter of minutes.

The NY Times reports that “out of nearly 72 applicants who sat down with counselors by noon, none were able to access the marketplace. All of the applicants were given appointments to come back another week.”

But wasting time on a system that cannot complete the simplest of tasks isn`t the aching problem here. We`re talking about serious privacy concerns, about the possibility of identity theft and fraud.

The moment the system crashes, no one knows what happens to the data. Any computer whiz could take advantage of the “glitches” and steal a whole bunch of social security numbers in a matter of seconds. And as Gov. Rick Scott said, we already live in a country that`s “awash with that kind of crime”. So why on earth is the government feeding these thieves and scammers MORE of our personal data? The explanation is simple: it`s not their fault. They`re just a bunch of monkeys in fancy suits.

By Alec Deacon