The Joyful Life of A Pastor’s Wife-Part 3

By Kara Barnette, Pastor’s Wife
Faith Baptist Church Faith, North Carolina

Once upon a time, there was a pastor.

He was young and energetic and had everything going for him: a bright future, a ministry degree, and a kind and generous congregation who loved him. He was on top of the world and in the will of the Lord.

But one day the young pastor did something catastrophic.  Something heart breaking. Something that would end his ministry career.

Did he fall into moral failure? Nope.  Did he teach questionable doctrine? Not this guy.  Did he lose his temper and lash-out at a deacon? No way. He did something far more life-changing than that.

He got married.

To a girl who didn’t want to be a pastor’s wife.

Oh, sure.  The new bride loved this young pastor as a person.  But she had no interest in a life of ministry. Although she was faithful to Sunday morning service she wasn’t one of those people really “into” church, and she certainly had no interest in being there every time the door was open.  Furthermore, she reasoned to herself that ministry wasn’t her job, and she didn’t get a paycheck from the church.  So why was she expected to serve there?  

As for that church where her new husband was working…well, it wasn’t her cup-of-tea.  The people were too old.  The music was too traditional.  The clothes were too not-casual. If she had to be a pastor’s wife, she wished at least she could be in one of those super-contemporary mega-churches her friends attended.  

But one thing was absolutely certain in this young pastor’s wife’s mind: she was NOT moving out of her hometown.  She informed her husband that if he insisted on working at a church, then he must work at one close to her parents and her friends.

I wish I could say this story was a fairy tale, that his new wife came around to the pleasures of ministry, and that our promising young pastor lived happily-ever-after. But this narrative is not make-believe and his tale ended sadly.  It happens in churches all the time.  Great men called by a great God to do great things walk away from ministry forever… because they marry women who have no interest in the same calling.  

I’m approaching my twentieth anniversary as the bride of a pastor, and I wouldn’t trade my life in ministry for anything.  I encourage any girl – including my own daughter – to boldly say “I do” to a pastor if that’s how the Lord leads. But a pastor’s job is not like one in a bank, or in an office, or on a construction site. Every man of God must choose a spouse who has considered, contemplated, and conceded herself to a joyful life at his side not just as his wife… but as a pastor’s wife.  

Don’t marry a pastor…

…if you don’t want to be at church all the time.  It sounds obvious.  But surprisingly, some pastors’ wives only want to come on Sunday mornings or don’t want to come every week.  If his own wife doesn’t want to be at services, how can a pastor exhort anyone else to attend faithfully? Unless justifiably prevented from doing so, a pastor’s wife (whether senior or staff) should plan on being at all services and most functions of the church. And ultimately, she should look forward to being there because Jesus is right there beside her.

…if you don’t want to serve the Lord.  A lot.  I know, I know.  Preachers’ wives get overworked.  (That’s another article for another day.) But don’t let folks with wrong ideas about us being unpaid employees get in the way of the reality that there’s tremendous joy in serving Christ!  I believe He gives pastors’ wives distinct gifts and unique talents so we can glorify Him in special ways.  A pastor’s wife who refuses to serve her church is a source of frustration to her laypeople and an embarrassment to her husband. More than that she’s a tragedy, because she’s relinquishing the opportunity to bring immense glory to God through her ministry.

…if you have your heart set on spending your life with a certain demographic.  If you believe you can only be happy if you’re surrounded by people who are twenty-something or modern or wealthy or white collar…or whatever…then ministry will disillusion you.  More often than not, God sends His finest servants to congregations who are not young, contemporary, and upwardly mobile.  Let’s face it.  Everyone on the planet today is chasing after those folks.  But Scripture teaches that as we do to ‘the least of these’ (Matthew 25:40), we do to Jesus.  Our Savior is often found amidst troubled kids.  The elderly.  The uneducated.  The unfashionable and poor and socially awkward.  A joyful pastor’s wife realizes that reaching these demographics could be the Lord’s most prestigious missions.  

….if you insist on living in a certain zip code.  Many a pastor’s wife believes that her husband’s mission field must be – can only be – the place where she is already living.  The place where she grew-up.  The place where her kids are happy in school.  Or the place where her parents are aging.  But as I covered in-depth in a previous article, relocation has been a continual theme for prophets and preachers all the way from Abraham in Genesis, through Paul in the New Testament, to today. The reasons are many but the fact is clear: the first word in the Great Commission is the word “go” (Matthew 28:19-20). Refuse to move where and when required, and you’ll find your family soaking wet, stuck inside the dark and smelly belly of a fish.

…if you don’t want to be watched.  As this is the 20th anniversary of Princess Diana’s passing, much television attention is being paid to the unfortunate “plight” of the late princess who was hounded by cameras throughout her life. With all due respect to the departed, I admit I struggle to understand how being heavily photographed while stepping out of one’s royal palace can be a source of anguish.  But I’m quite aware that accepting life in “the fishbowl” is a challenge for many ministry wives. They hate the idea of church folks trolling their social media, judging what they wear, or criticizing how they spend their time. Rather than grumble about the scrutiny, a joyful pastor’s wife embraces the attention as a blessing. In a world full of women who feel “invisible,” I’m fortunate that folks see and care about me. And in a culture that’s falling apart morally, I consider it an honor to serve as a role model by how I act and dress and speak.  

…if you don’t want to walk closely with the Lord.  Because if you’re a flourishing pastor’s wife, you will.  A life in ministry means you’ll witness miracles.  You’ll experience the divine on a daily basis.  And you’ll taste a little bit of Heaven down here on Earth.  You’ll walk with God as a close personal friend, and He’ll touch your marriage and children in ways most laypeople could never understand.  If you can handle the bad stuff that comes with being married to a husband in vocational ministry, then you’ll be rewarded tremendously… and then the bad stuff won’t even matter anymore.  Young ladies who decide that marriage to a pastor is in fact what God is planning for their lives should prepare themselves for an amazing ride beyond their wildest dreams.

Don’t marry a pastor if you want the life of a fairy tale, because a life in ministry certainly isn’t one.  

A fairy tale pales in comparison.